A day

As the blaring of your alarm drags you out of sleep for the third time you quiet it in a huff You check the time (text-style: "outline") [7:15 am] Far too early for any reasonable person to get up You have an hour to get to work But the thought of going outside and facing the day makes you crawl back under the covers You check the clock again (text-style: "outline") [7:30 am] [[Augh, fine]]

With protest, you finally climb out of bed and begin washing up At least you always give yourself time to shave With effort you stand in front of your closet, wondering what to wear today You haven’t been able to afford a new wardrobe since transition Most of your clothes are full of holes and badly faded Your old shirts don’t fit you like they used to [[Focus]]

You have to get dressed and get to work [[Wear the one dress you own]] [[Just wear whatever]]

There's no way you could do makeup in time You tear off the dress in a hurry There's no way in hell you're going to wear a dress without makeup [[Dresses make you uncomfortable anyway ->Just wear whatever]]

You take the dress off the hanger. It's pink and black plaid and buttons in the front. It's too tight around the shoulders. You haven't shaved your legs for a week so throw on a pair of leggings. You check the clock. (text-style: "outline") [7:45 am] [[Shit]]

You arrive at work in a flurry, rushing in to the back to quickly tie on your appron and double check the book were you keep your note pad and money for taking customer's orders You count the cash Crap, you forgot you nabbed 10 bucks last night for gas to get home and now you're bank is 10 short Whatever, you'll deal with it later You check the clock (text-style: "outline") [8:37 am] [[crap crap crap]]

You rush out of the back room and clock in as fast as you can manage, breathing a small sigh of relief when you're done Okay, now to get some coffee in your system so you can wake up "Hey man, thought you wouldn't show up" The pit in your stomach tightens as you turn to face the voice Ugh It's Harrison, this guy's a dick [[Ask him to not call you man. Again.->Call out]] [[Ignore it -> Whatever]]

The floor is stocked, clean and ready for customers With three cups of coffee in your system and a short smoke break you feel more ready to tackle the day You're just finishing up setting up the bar when the first customer walks in The guy's a semi regular, almost bald and reminds you of your weird uncle. The uncle who after three years of transition still can't get your damn name or gender correct He looks over the bar, waving to Harrison in the back "Whatever you've got on nitro bud" You rumple at being called bud but you pour his drink and start him a tab He thanks you as you hand him is drink "Thanks sir" Maybe it's time you finally corrected him You'd think he'd get the picture after seeing you wear a dress and in full makeup the other day [[Correct him]] [[Not worth it]]

An hour later a younger guy sits at the bar "Hey there!" He gives you a warm smile while ordering a drink Wait is he flirting with you??? You check over your shoulder as you pour him a beer Crap he's kinda cute Okay don't freak out It's not like you don't get attention from guys Well okay, attention that's not either creepy or rude is rare but still Whatever, he probably just sees another faggot with painted nails anyway and he's just being nice Ugh wait, if he does see you as a girl, he'll think you're rude if you're not a little flirty [[Try to flirt back a little]] [[No, if he realizes you're trans it's just gonna be awkward->Awkward]]

It's a group of early 20 year olds, you suspect only about half are even 21 This tip will either be generious or bullshit, but you'll understand because you were that young and broke once You're still broke But they're giving you some good vibes, you're able to joke around with them and it even makes you almost forget it's been four hours since your last break Finally you're manager, Harrison, tells you you're being cut in half an hour You start closing out your tables and finally the group of kids close out too As you finish cleaning up the table where the teenager's sat, you notice they wrote out a comment card You slide it out of it's book and give a once over "The server was amazing! She/He were very friendly and gave us excilent service. I think it's amazing that this pub provides such diversity!" You smile and you're heart sinks Wearing the 'she/her' pin is proving to be pointless And now somehow you've become a symbol for this shitty pub to be seen as 'diverse' You look around at all your white cis-het coworkers and can only shrug You check the clock [[An hour and you're free->Freedom]]

You open your mouth to say something You've asked him not to call you 'man' so many goddamn times The last time just resulted in him harassing you about it for the rest of your shift [[Maybe if you tell another manager. Again.]] [[Forget it -> Whatever]]

You remember the last time you attempted to bring it up to another manager It got brushed off "What? There's no way he's like that" "He means well!" "He calls everyone that, you're only instigating him by asking him to stop" You remember when you told your general manager he calls you 'sir' behind your back "He's just a bit older ya know" "Weird, he's always nice enough to me" "He's been nothing but professional" Ugh, it's best to just leave it alone [[This sucks -> Whatever]]

Four hours to go You've been counting down the end to this day since you got out of bed It's been slow, steady-ish, most thursdays are like this lately You're cleaning up a table as two customers sit down next to you You're quick and ready, providing menues and a happy greeting You've got the 'boot-licking waitress' act down perfectly You detest it The customers are two women, probably early mid 20s, they give you an uncertain glare and tell you they'll need some time to look at the menus Great You know this kind of table You can't really say they're transphobic, it's not like they're the table that you'll hear loudly debating your gender or wondering where the 'that SheMale' went Reminder: burn down the porn industry sometime But they'll spend the whole time being short with you, give you weird stares out the corner of their eye, be generally awkard and then at the end tip you a buck For some reason tipping a buck feels like so much more a slap in the face than just not tipping anything You come back with water, they want two mai tais

A wave of relief hits you as you punch in your number to clock out Not even caring to say goodbye to your coworker as you bust out the door You're immedietly greated by the next manager coming in "HEY GIRL" It's Sarah, you both kinda like her and super hate her "I'm just grabbing my check but it's my birthday, you should come have a drink with us!" You never really know why Sarah keeps inviting you out You remember the last time you went out for a drink with her She told you that you're roommate who works as a cook at the same pub you work at will never pass as a woman The same roommate you got your ass off the street and gave you a place to stay Who covered rent for you for the past two months Your roommate hadn't even started HRT at the time You still want to scream at her for that Cis woman will always be the gatekeepers of femininity But she's also a manager and lord knows you need this job and couldn't find a second in time You wave at her as you pass by, heading for the bus stop "Sorry, I've already got plans for tonight!" It's a lie, all you want to do is sleep for a week After you quit this job [[you never want to see or hear from cis people ever again]]

This bus ride feels like it's taking longer than usual Finally, through the grace of whatever queer deity is watching over you, the man's stop arrives and he gets off, waving you good bye You breath an audible sigh of relief You remember when you first started transitioning, when getting more of that kind of attention from guys was validating in a sick kind of way Now it's just exhaughsting A woman in front of you gives you a knowing look and you shrug "I feel like that's been happening more lately" She laughs "Welcome to being a woman" You're always dumbfounded by that remark What, like you've never been harassed by guys before? Like harassment is some kind of mark of womenhood? A part of you just suspects cis women just think cis dudes couldn't ever be attracted to trans women, so there's no way you'd get the harassment that comes with that Not to mention the fact that even before you realized you were trans, dudes always kinda treated you in this way It's like cis folk have a sixth sense for people who fail to meet the standards of gender perfectly And they'll either take advantage of that or hurt you for it Oh thank god, [[You're stop is here]]

Down two blocks and home is in sight You're putting your keys in the door as your neighbor walks out She's shuffles over, her tiny dog at her heels She looks like she could be someone's grandmother, but you've never seen any family visit her in the past year you've lived here She holds out a bag of food "Do you like chinese food? I ordered too much for myself" You thank her, saying she didn't have to do that She smiles "I don't want food going to waste, I'd rather you boys have it" You tightly smile and thank her again You and your roommate have told her before you're not boys, yet she has continued to misgender ya'll since you moved in Some how she even still gets your name wrong But she's also been nice and has given you and your roommate food on several occasions At this point you just feel awkward whenever she knocks on your door As she shuffles back to her side of the duplex you finish unlocking your door and [[head in]]

You settle in for a long bus ride home Your stomach hates you for not eating anything yet today You try not to notice as guy across from you wave and smile at you "Hi, what's your name?" You'd think someone with headphones in (even if they're not playing music) would be a clear indicator to leave someone alone You just smile and wave back He gets up and sits across from you Please go away. "You have a name right?" You're mind races as you try to think of something, "Uh, Katelyn" He smiles "You just get off work? Where you headed?" Anywhere a hundred miles away from you You lie "I have some errands to run" You hope he gets off before you, you've seen this guy before and don't want him to know what stop you get off at Somehow, he misses every social que that you want him to leave you alone [[and he keeps talking]]

Finally You're exhausted You smell like craft beer and shitty pub food You sink into the couch as you breath a sigh of relief The house vaugely smells like mold and looks like it's been through a hurricane But it feels like a sanctuary With a groan you pull yourself up and go [[wash up]]

You flop on your bed after having washed the scent of work off you You'd rather just stay in bed, but you haven't been out in months and you promised some old friends you'd hang out So you pull yourself up and get dressed

A wave of relief hits you as you punch in your number to clock out You've made it through another day You're always more tired than you'd like to admit after a work day You wonder when things started feeling like a constant up hill climb when your phone goes off Oh, a message from Katie (text-style: "italic") ["Heyyyyy, everyone's going out tonight and I haven't seen you in forever! Come hang out!"] You're phone goes off several more times as you grab your jacket and head out the door You'd honestly rather just go home and curl up in bed But you also feel bad you haven't seen any of your friends in awhile Since transitioning things have been, different, when hanging out with old friends Not counting the ones that just, kinda disappeared on you, it always feels like there's a weird barrier now when you're together You're not sure when the wall came up Or when they started treating you differently [[You check your phone again]]

More messages from Katie (text-style: "italic") ["Come on, I'll buy you a driink!"] (text-style: "italic") ["Come onnnnnn"] Oh wait, you also got a message from Lucas (text-style: "italic") ["Dude, my band's playing tonight!"] Your heart skips a beat [[Alright fine->Guess, you're going out tonight]]

A couple hours later you arrive at the bar You're over an hour late, it took you entirly too long to put on makeup You're not sure if you even like makeup to be honest Often it makes you feel even more dsyphoric Sometimes it actually feels kinda nice And people tend to be a little nicer lately when you're wearing it You scan the place for your friends Oh god, it's entirerly too obvious you're the only trans person here Maybe it would have been better to just go boy mode You notice your friends in the back and head over [[You miss when being in public didn't cause so much anxiety->public anxiety]]

After a couple drinks you've started to relax You're actually glad you came It //has// been forever since you've been out You wonder why you stopped hanging out so much with them As some of the group leaves to go set up for their show you order another drink at the bar with Katie The bartender gives you a look "Another whiskey sir?" Nope, not gonna let it ruin your mood, [[ignore it]]

You smile and tell him you're sorry that you got caught up in traffic It's bullshit but you don't care He doesn't really care either He shrugs "It's cool, we've got time before we open" You know if you keep showing up late you'll get another talk with your general manager [[You can't afford another talk with your general manager]]

You slap on the one pair of jeans you own and your favorite tank As you check your face for any stray hairs, you apply lotion to help the razor burn You check the clock again (text-style: "outline") [8:10am] Dammit [[You're going to be late]]

As you sit back at your table, Katie looks up at you "Ya know, I'm glad you're not like other trans women" Huh? You ask what she means "You don't get so hung up on being called sir or whatever. Most trans women I've met have been so annoying about it" You're at a loss for words "Like you're roommate ya know? I don't think she'll ever look like a real woman" What the fuck? You feel a frustration burning in your gut as you look at her, dumbfounded The same roommate who got your ass off the street and gave you a place to stay? Who covered rent for you for the past two months? Why do cis folk love policing others' bodies so much? Why can't they leave trans folk well enough alone? What does she really think of //you//? You wanna scream "Oh hey they're starting their set!" Katie runs off before you can think of anything to say [[You remember why you don't hang out with her anymore]]

You grab a seat in a dark enough corner that you're out of most people's sight but close enough that you can watch your friend's band play Lucas is center stage during the second song His hands dance over the fret board of his guitar, strung with neon strings His eye catches yours and he flashes you a smile You feel yourself curl up in the sudden attention Of all the things that came with transition You weren't prepared for the way it made you notice boys It's not like you didn't also like boys before It's just, different, now Like pinpointing the hum of a florescent light A once innocuous sound that's now hard not to notice Now you feel yourself literally curl up in your chair But it's hard to imagine you'd ever really catch anyone's eye and god don't even entertain the thought of dating a guy unless you want a pussy installed and you're hyper femme cause no cis guy you've met is down for the trashy butch mess that you are

Ugh, the day isn't even half over You can never tell how cis folk at work read you If they read you as gay they'll mostly be cool, most people think trans people are just gay dudes in dresses still anyway (and that trans guys just dont exist apparently) If they read you as trans they'll be either: * Visibly uncomfortable * Low key rude * High key hate your guts * Think of you as a walking fetish * Kinda nice but in that condiscending way because they're 'woke' and treat you like glass because you're life is just 'so hard' and you're just 'so brave' for just living your life * And the much rarer, just like everyone else That last one you've gotten more from people like your coworker Jude who went to federal prison because he robbed a bank You think Jude is cool as hell And not just because unlike 99% of men in your life he treats you like any other woman he interacts with With most men that you run into at work, you're always unsure how to act It feels like a rigged game you can't win They either think you're gay, a tranny or on some occassions a woman and each carries different social expectations

You can never tell how they read you Three possibilities: They think you're either 1) A faggot: and they'll beat you're ass if you're not careful in how you talk with them 2) A tranny: and they'll be weird or rude as hell, or maybe even just nice but that kinda nice that's kinda condiscending because they watched a trans documentary and you're life is just 'so hard' 3) A woman: and they'll try to flirt with you and think you're rude if you don't smile and flirt back a little Either way you feel fucked and like you're always tiptoeing around them You check the clock (text-style: "fade-in-out") [11:12 am] [[Ugh, the day isn't even half over]] You can never tell how cis folk at work read you If they read you as gay they'll mostly be cool, most people think trans people are just gay dudes in dresses still anyway (and that trans guys just dont exist apparently) If they read you as trans they'll be either: * Visibly uncomfortable * Low key rude * High key hate your guts * Think of you as a walking fetish * Kinda nice but in that condiscending way because they're 'woke' and treat you like glass because you're life is just 'so hard' and you're just 'so brave' for just living your life * And the much rarer, just like everyone else That last one you've gotten more from people like your coworker Jude who went to federal prison because he robbed a bank You think Jude is cool as hell And not just because unlike 99% of men in your life he treats you like any other woman he interacts with With most men that you run into at work, you're always unsure how to act It feels like a rigged game you can't win They either think you're gay, a tranny or on some occassions a woman and each carries different social expectations

You open your mouth to speak Wait If you make him uncomfortable you can kiss your tip goodbye Come on is money worth more than your self respect? [[Fuck no it ain't]] [[Rent's due in like three days->Not worth it]]

You tell him he's welcome and smile You check the clock (text-style: "outline") [11:35 am] Ugh, the day itsn't even half over yet Eventually the restuarant starts filling up You're cleaning up a table as two customers sit down in your section You're quick and ready, providing menues and a happy greeting You've got the 'boot-licking waitress' act down perfectly You detest it The customers are two women, probably mid 20s, they give you an uncertain glare and tell you they'll need some time to look at the menus Great You know this kind of table You can't really say they're transphobic It's not like they're the table that you'll hear debate your gender or wondering where 'that SheMale' went But they'll spend the whole time being short with you, give you weird stares out the corner of their eye, be generally awkard and then at the end tip a big fat zero You come back with water, they want two mai tais [[Why do these tables always order the annoying drinks?]]

Then again, he's a regular The last time you corrected someone they left you a negative comment card about you being 'disrespectful towards other's beliefs' You're coworker Nancy said they'd back you up but never did [[Forget it->Not worth it]]

There's something inherently lonely about being the only queer person around Mostly stayed out of Harrison's way and kept your mouth shut around him Every conversation turns into a debate with that guy It's always your fault anyway for daring to even say anything to the guy that disconfirms anything of the absolutely wild shit that leaves his mouth Yesterday's was 'Men shouldn't compete with woman mma fighters' He meant Fallon Fox 'It just ain't right, a man beating up a girl like that' he said, while looking at you, expecting you to nod and aggree with him You just shrugged The topic of today is, 'The giants were real and created us to mine gold from the earth'

You're not sure what to say He's probably just being nice anyway There's no way you'd ever catch someone's eye You don't remember the last time you went on a date Nobody really warns you about how lonely being trans really is You don't really know any trans folk in your city You feel like you don't belong in queer spaces They look at you like you're an annoyance The last time you tried flirting with someone she gave you a look like she hate something foul tasting You don't even know what you'd do if a guy actually liked you You feel weird now And gross [[Just give him his drink and carry on with your day->Awkward]]

(text-style: "outline") [2:00 pm] Only three more hours to go Today feels like it's been several days wrapped into one You hate being here You want to go home A large group of early 20 year olds walk in and sit in your section Oh cool This tip will either be generious or bullshit, but you'll understand because you were that young and broke once You're still broke But they're giving you some good vibes, you're able to joke around with them and it even makes you almost forget it's been three hours since your last break [[You could badly use one right now]]

You caught yourself enough time to contibute to the growing pile of dishes You really wish your pub would just hire a dishwasher "Hey girl!" You look over and see your coworker Stacy You say hi and smile She takes a sip of coffee as she ties on her apron "How've you been?" You give a noncommittal response that sounds more like a dog whining than human speach She laughs "Same" A customer comes over and asks for some silverware Harrison isn't even bothering watching his tables again it seems The customer nods as you hand him enough sets for his table "Thank you sir" You smile back and shrug it off Stacy looks over at you and smiles "Ya know, I'm glad you're not like other trans women" [[What?]]

"You know, like, you don't make a big deal about being called sir" She laughs "You're not annoying about it, I like that you're cool" Cool huh That growing pit of frustration in your stomach hardens [[Seriously what the fuck?]]

Somehow Stacy hasn't caught on yet that you're glaring knives at her "I mean like, Petra isn't ever going to look like a real woman, she shouldn't complain" Petra is your roommate You got her a job here awhile back You wanted to help her out for getting your ass off the street and giving you a place to stay She hasn't started HRT yet You helped her come out But your coworkers misgender her behind her back And now this? [[Tell her to kindly shut her mouth]] [[There's no point and it'll only make it worse for Petra->Worse]]

This time you've had it Enough of this constant bullshit You can take abuse But if someone really thinks they're going to give your trans siblings shit they have another thing coming But you need this job Petra needs this job You know no one else is going to hire you Since transition, finding a job has been impossible Plus Stacy is a favorite of your general managers It'll be your word against hers And your word counts for shit [[You hate not being able to do anything->Worse]]

You're still fuming as your check back on your tables The big table with all the early 20 year olds have cleared out You take a glance at the check to see what they tipped you Not bad Oh they left a comment card You give it a quick read "The server was great! She/He was attentive and quick and really nice! I'm glad this place provides such diversity and opportunity to transgenders!" You have mixed feelings about this But a good comment is better than nothing You put your name on the comment card You pause before you drop it in the box [[Put the card in the comment box]] [[Maybe it's better if you don't->out]]

Wait This is just gonna out you to upper management And since when are you the token hire? You hate being a reason people see this place as 'diverse' or whatever You look at the rest of your white cishet coworkers Yeah fuck that [[You drop the card in the trash->out]]

(text-style: "outline") [3:15 pm] Thank god The day is almost over You've been counting down to the end of this day since you got up Everything just makes you want to scream You're so tired And you still have three more days of this in store You hear the door open Fuck, it's your General Manager [[You smile and say hi]]

He nods and comes over to you FuckFuckFuckFuck You know exactly what this is about "Before you get off work we need to talk" Your heart sinks You start making plan B's and C's and Z's Wondering which friend's house you can crash at if you lose your apartment You should talk to your friend Morrigan about sex work again You wonder if you're pretty enough for it [[Suddenly counting down to the end of the day just fills you with dread->Talk]]

You've finished up your shift and sit down at a booth with your boss He doesn't look pleased He never looks pleased with you He pulls out a piece of paper "A hundred and fifty dollars" You give him a confused look "That's how much the turkey you dropped two weeks ago was worth" Fuck You had hopped he had forgotten about that "And if we add on the amount of glasses you've broken..." He does some quick math in his head "That's over two hundred dollars" You stumble over your words, not really sure what to say "Look, I'm going to have to write you up" He looks at you as if expecting a retort, but you're quiet "If you get another one we're gonna have to let you go" [[Mention you're disabled->disabled]] [[Just keep quiet and ride it through]]

If you mention you're disabled he's gonna want paper work Does disabled leave from your last job even count? Besides, the only thing you have on file is 'Bipolar 1' which most employers don't see as anything worthy of note The only reason you even got that leave was because of your suicide attempt after a coworker sexually assaulted you At least it kept them from firing you for a little longer Plus you haven't had the insurance to visit a doctor about your hands that have been cramping up and dropping things for the last year If you mention it, it's only going to paint a target on your back [[It'll just be another reason for them to fire you->Just keep quiet and ride it through]]

You're not even listening anymore You're just nodding and agreeing "You've gotta shape up" Yes sir "We need you to be better" Yes sir "This pub is only as good as the people who work here" Yes sir "We all work hard and you're just causing more problems for everyone" [[Yes sir]]

Finally he lets you go You clock out in a hurry It takes you about three times to get your number right The ride home is a blur Your mind is blank You're just [[Tired]]

Somehow you make it home It's a small run down apartment But it feels like a sanctuary You wash off the scent of craft beer and shitty pub food The constant pain shooting up your leg has finally reached a tipping point So you just collaspse onto your bed You'll eat something later You just want to sleep You have to get up early for tomorrow again anyway Yet sleep doesn't come as easily as you want it to Today just replays over and over in your head [[Maybe you'll finally practice some guitar->Waking Up]]